A MAN AND A WOMAN TOGETHER AS ONE

Introduction by Dr. Kevin Keough

A woman sent me an extraordinary story about her husband's brush with death. This is a true classic. The husband is such a man's man--a true piece of work it appears. And the wife matches him every step of the way. Real people in real life. It's amazing all the things people go through in a lifetime. It's rare to come across such 'tales of the married'. It's strikes me as a bit of water for the dehydrating/dehydrated soul; good name for one of those self help books, maybe ...

Enjoy and pass it along.
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FANFARE FOR A MARRIAGE

(a title just popped in my mind--a variation on Copland's "Fanfare for the Common Man "--perhaps the best American composer of the 20th century--and one of his best compositions)
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I almost lost my husband the other night. It has taken me days to allow myself to realize how close we came. He had been suffering from what we thought was flu for a week- getting progressively weaker, not wanting to eat but constantly thirsty, having blurring vision, and experiencing incredible fatigue. I kept urging him to see the doctor. As usual, he refused. "It is just the flu. I am not going to run to the doctor for a simple virus. Just need to suck it up."

He hates going to the doctor. I have always felt at a huge disadvantage since I cannot simply pick him up carry him to the car and make him go. I have considered on occasion getting chloroform, knocking him out and then dragging him to the car. I was very relieved when he called me from work, admitting that he felt so bad he had scheduled an appointment. The doctor took a blood test and sent him home.

The next morning around 7:30 AM we got a call that he should go to the emergency room immediately. His blood sugar level was eight times normal. The blood test indicated that he was diabetic and was in grave danger of going into a diabetic coma.

While I sat with him during the six hours he was hooked up to insulin I.V. in the intensive care, I gave a lot of thought to how we ended up in this situation. My husband has always felt the responsibility to be the "point man" for our family. He feels he must always be strong so that his wife and children feel the safety and security that allows them to shed tears, feel vulnerable. Or as he has stated, "I don't break down so that you can." Faced with losing my best friend, father of my children, and husband of 33 years I realized that many things in our relationship, lifestyle and how he cared for himself had to change.

It is a paradox that a warrior's strength can sometimes also be his greatest weakness.  There are two incidents from our recent experience that illustrate this point.

Not realizing how sick my husband was, I asked him to mow the front lawn. I was running errands and when I came home he was leaning over the lawn mower exhausted. The stubbornness, the ability to "suck it up", keep moving ahead no matter what, which serves him well in his job, and daily challenges, in this situation almost killed him.

When we went to the hospital, his condition was so serious that they rushed him from the emergency waiting room to the private area right away. Yet, because there was only one chair in the room he refused to sit. His chivalry and protectiveness would not allow him to sit while I stood. I had to beg him to please sit down before he passed out. Finally, I told him he was too heavy and if he fell I could not lift him. Then he reluctantly agreed to take a seat.

They say change is hard. Believe me, it is easy when the alternative is death or facing life without the one person who makes living worthwhile. I realized that I had enabled my husband in ways that were harmful to us both. The new rule is while he is the boss on safety and protection, I am on the boss on health. If I decide that he needs to see the doctor, go to the hospital, rest, etc. he does. No hesitation- no wiggle room.

My husband's diagnosis of diabetes has shed light on our relationship and the changes we must and will make. I know as a family we will come out of this stronger and healthier. In some ways it has been a blessing in disguise. The intelligence, force of will, courage, and determination that make up his character is being used in service of his health. He has overnight changed his diet, started an exercise regime, and committed wholeheartedly to following the directions of the doctors and safeguarding his health.

I am learning how to navigate the fine balance of caring for him, supporting him, without acting like his mommy. He is very much a man- not a little boy. I see him as more of a warrior now then before.

I offer what we have learned from this experience with the hope that those reading this will be wiser then we were and learn from our mistakes. And also to give encouragement- habits can change, warriors can learn to take better care of themselves, and allow loved ones to help them. A woman who has never thought of herself as a warrior can have a moment of clarity when faced with the death or disability of her man- that we are at war and we will win. No one and nothing will rob me of the man I love.

I am grateful for this experience. I realized that the hardest thing for a warrior to do is to admit his vulnerability, to ask and receive help. It is the greatest gift he can give.